“You know it’s not wrong to think about it once in a while” she continued “I do it all the time.”
As the sun was about to dive into the horizon, I was staring at her, she is so beautiful. Even when I sit here, with her so far, far away from me, I know she looks wonderful. I am here thinking of that night, remembering it; remembering the conversations, remembering how her skin felt against mine- remembering her. I always loved this, listening to her speak was like listening to the cosmos tell it’s secrets, one by one coming undone.
I close my eyes and I went back.
“I start off by thinking of the good memories, us laughing, then I remember that it has to end and then I get sad and I do not wish to talk to anybody because anybody is not you.” I could feel my stomach cringe but I did not want to stop. I wanted to remember her words, I wanted to remember this feeling.
” But then if you sit back and think.. the fact is that what we shared with each other is something very rare. You know how people spend their entire lives trying to find somebody with whom they could have it all-a best friend, a lover, the understanding, the electricity – I found it all, in a boy I knew since we were twelve. I am grateful that I had the chance of spending my days with him. No matter how badly I wish we lasted or all the a.m.’s I stayed awake remembering everything or my final days that I spent lying on my bed wondering over the fact that still, after all these years, there is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do to make us feel alive again but it doesn’t work that way, does it? No matter how much we want something to last..sometimes, it just doesn’t.
I do not know what force controls this universe-maybe it is fate, maybe it is destiny but one thing is certain – that it is powerful and no matter how much we try to fight it, it has it’s own ways. Fighting against all odds wishing these moments would freeze only to come back to the truth that what is done is done but I have realised something- ”
Even after reading it a thousand times, I found myself asking “What did you realise? ” I turned the page and continued reading-
” I realised that nothing will ever change what we had. I will remember talking to you about every detail of my day and craving to hear about yours. I will remember wanting to fight over silly things with you and never accepting my fault. I will remember dancing with you in the driveway while it was raining wearing the dress you gave me 0n our second anniversary, fearless. I will remember us, walking down the aisle, then raising these wonderful children together.
The times when you took care of me like I was a little child and the times when we were each other’s backbone.
I will remember, I will always remember.
Even now, I want you to know that I will always love you and although in the coming years I won’t be able to be with you physcially know, I am with you, in you.
I am you and you are me.”
I heard my daughter call for me downstairs as I got up slowly, I don’t know how I got this far- maybe it was her faith that kept me going- the faith she kept unflittered till her last breath, it gave me strength. I cannot see her, but whenever I close my eyes, I feel her arms around me reminding me it will be alright.
Memories burned like butterflies turned to dust covering our old bedroom, her night gown neatly ironed and folded in the almirah , I kept the diary back and with my heart in my hands, slowly walked down the stairs, past our photographs and with the strength she gave me- started all over again.