I do not like it when the feeling of loneliness , desperation, emotional unstability or depression is associated with being weak.
Sometimes, you do not feel like talking to anyone for days and sometimes, there is a desperate want to be around people.
Sometimes, you have no apetite even though you haven’t eaten anything since yesterday and sometimes, it is eating everything you have in the refrigirator.
Sometimes, it is you sitting across the table, not talking and your friends asking you what is wrong and knowing you are the reason their day is getting ruined because you just can’t seem to snap out of it and be happy for once.
Sometimes, it is keeping things to yourself rather than sharing it with your loved ones because you don’t want them to pity you or look at you like you are broken.
Sometimes, even in a room full of people you can feel lonely and sometimes tears tend to feel like home.
It is like, there are these intense feelings of fear and darkness; there is a sudden need to just run away-escape; there is nausea and the feeling of vomit filling my throat.
I face difficulty in breathing, my pounding heart running a race that just doesn’t seem to end; my hands go numb and I can’t seem to think straight; there are these infinte number of irrational thoughts-there is a feeling that I might as well just pass out.
It is like, I think I am missing pieces of myself and I don’t really know how to find them. Things start to feel as if they are falling apart and I start to feel as if I am loosing my mind again. I feel hot but my fingertips and toes are cold, always. I feel so tired all the time as if the world has drained me of everything that I have ever had. I would either sleep for twelve hours staright or not sleep at all and there are these sudden jolts that shake me to my roots. I also get these tunnel visions and I can’t really explain them.
Everything is a blur.
It is a frustrating feeling of wanting to enjoy something and just be happy and wanting to get hold of things but they just seem to be slipping right through my fingers.
^ So this happens. These times happen and they keep coming back but the truth is, they pass. You see, the purpose of life is not to just be happy. It is to feel, feel as much as you can and I have realised something about feelings, be it love, lust, hope, sadness- all feelings are beautiful and they need to be embraced.
People tend to get lost in this blur and they often forget the good things. The smell of the rain, getting great ideas in the shower; taking wrong turns and opening unmarked doors, car rides. Walking barefoot on the grass, water fights after school.
The look in the eyes of people when they realise they are in love; forhead kisses, nose kisses, cheek kisses- kisses in general . Butterflies in the stomach and the curling of toes at the sight of someone you love.
Snoww globes! Cookiez ! Spending time with your family, looking at old photo albums, good hair days, unmade beds, reading old messages, sleepovers, unexpected midnight calls, tight hugs, love letters, silences that aren’t awkward. Compliments from stangers, the smell of bakeries early morning, oversized shirts, people who make you feel happy and loved. Art that gets you- songs that you can relate to, books that take you to a different time and space. People who get you.
Hand made gifts. Looking at kids laughing.
Sunrise. Sunsets. The moon. Stars.
There are so many things to be happy about, if you just look.
The world had ended a lot of times for me.
It has begun again too. It’s just the way it is, you know.