I know I haven’t written anything in a while now, and this is probably not the best time but then again, the thing is that there simply isn’t any right time. You know what’s the most important thing before you start writing, you need to feel. Feel, anything. Feel pain, feel love but it is very important for you to feel because that’s when you can ink down what’s actually going on inside you. The thing is, as I am sitting here, I really don’t know what I am supposed to write, what will make you relate to it, what will shake you this time.
2017’s ending. Alot of things have happened in this one year.
Alot of love has been lost, little gained . So much there is yet to love, to lose.
There are certain things that I have realised one of them being that this, whatever it is, goes on. There were some moments when I wished I could just, you know close my eyes and they would pass, somehow and there were moments that I wanted to seize till the end of time. However it doesn’t work that way. Time is not stopping and is moving really fast and if you don’t catch up, I am afraid it would leave you behind. It is a proven fact that the past cannot be changed and it is something that is very powerful because it is able to hold you back, if it’s an ugly one it is capable of horrifying you of the future, but what you realise is that as long as you are holding on to it, you cannot really move forward and see what life has for you, you know. You are wasting your present and at the same time destroying your future.
People don’t realise how much it is worth to have something, a time, a person a moment until it’s you lying on your bed in the middle of the night watching the memories pass like a montage in front of your eyes like an old classic.
I have hurt people. I have been selfish and I have let people down. And words are not enough to justify the hurt. And being the person that I am, I am not able to be entirely happy because I know I have caused pain to someone that I really care about; however one thing I can say is that I never intended to, you know how when you are doing something that you feel is best for you but you don’t know about the repercussions but you do it anyway because that is what feels right?
You know how people are always telling you that you need to put yourself first and that’s true. One should always keep themselves as their first priority, you need to be strong enough to get out of things you know aren’t meant for you and face the truth. However one thing no one tells you is that you should never walk out on a person. I need you to realise that alot of lives are attached with you. Noticed how when you are playing with a rubber band, and one person is holding one end and you are holding the other, and it’s tight, and they suddenly drop it, it hurts you. And it hurts even more if they stretched it before leaving it. The strings are tight. If you decide to move forward and don’t give the person enough time to cope up with the change, they will be stuck there. Not knowing what hit them, and it’s going to haunt them in all their future relationships. When I look at a person who is very rude or not open enough, there’s a reason why people are the way they are. There is always a reason;they are fully giving up on love or friendship or family or whatever it was, when people hurt like that, it’s difficult to ever put themselves back on the line. So I have two things to say regarding this, first is to the person who is stuck –
Trust me, there is so much you haven’t felt yet and once you do, you wouldn’t want to give it up for the world. So just keep feeling. It’s all we have after all. It’s not right to give up on everything, and if you feel you are going to get hurt again let me tell you one thing. It’s true. When you love, you get hurt. When you care, at some point or the other, you get hurt. You just have to find the ones that are worth the pain and the hurt.
And for the people who moved forward not looking what they left behind –
It’s okay if you don’t feel what you used to feel or you have come across some realisation of yours or you have fell in love; it’s all okay. It’s okay to change your mind because life is too short and you need to do what’s best for you. All I am saying is, be clear. Have your reasons and tell them to people. Don’t be so self obsessed that you don’t see what your actions are doing to the other person, someone you used to care for once. Be true to your conscious. When people remember a person, they remember them not by their cloths or their favourite food but by how they made them feel. Leave people better than you found them.
I want to apologise to the people I have hurt and I want to thank the people that have hurt me because in some way, there has been, there always is, something positive. *Know that nothing can be irreparablely broken.*
people, relationships, work. Anything. Whatever it is, fix it.
The second most important realisation for this year would be that things don’t always turn out as you planned them in your head. You have this perception of how something is supposed to be but it doesn’t always work out that way and it really pisses you off. However, I have learned that these things, that go wrong usually don’t get fixed or put back together the way they were before. I have learned that some broken things stay broken and you can get through bad times, it’s all good as long as you have people who love you .
Another would be about realising things about yourself. For me, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much hurt a person has caused me, I would still care for them and if they come knocking at my door, I would open the gate. It’s true that once something that has been torn it’s rather difficult to stich it back the way it was but it doesn’t mean it cannot be stitched back in one peice. People make mistakes, people fight. Only human
I have railed long and hard trying to figure out what to do with memories that were once lodged inside my bones that keep breathing and burning inside me every second. It’s only now that I have realised that the only way to move ahead is by accepting them as a part of me, my own. You see, there are certain things you can only learn in a storm. So it’s necessary. The hurt is necessary so you learn to feel the facets of life and the truth of it all. Don’t run from it. It’s your own.
I have realised certain things about myself, what I am, not still sure though why I am so, but I am done fighting the truth about myself. I feel too much and I care too much and I really cannot do anything to change that. And I wouldn’t try to either. I feel much more me and isn’t that the point of it all?
I need you to know one more very important thing. you can take in advice and learn from the experiences of other people, listen to the stories but ultimately you are your own. Don’t doubt or judge or be afraid to come out as what you are. Simply know, and harness and find ways to access it.
Don’t let the voices of others drown you; be fierce enough to be true to yourself.
Don’t be afraid of what might happen. Unless you weave your own stories in your soul, you won’t be complete. Your own self exists and it’s gold.
If a new year is what you need to make a fresh start, take it. Whatever you need, take it. Just let go of everything that you feel has been holding you down, people relationships subject’s. Drop it.
As I am moving forward, I would not like to carry any grudges with me. I don’t hate anybody, I have hurt people and people have hurt me and somethings have happened that kept haunting me for a long time but now, I feel a whole lot better about everything. It’s not something that happened in a blink of an eye. It has taken me a long time and the truth is, if you really wish to truly get something off your chest, the only way to do that is by giving yourself time. Take all the time you need, and once you think you have passed it, move forward with your chin up, accepting whatever has happened as a part of you.
You see, It’s not that I have stopped caring, it’s just the realisations. Relalisations that have made me a stronger person and brave enough to let go of the hurt and move forward.
I wish you do the same too, not for anybody else but for yourself.