<This is just something I am doing for myself. When I am 40 or 50, I want to read this and remember what I felt about life back when I was a twenty year old girl.
P.S. I wish for it to stay the same.>
Love is a big deal. I did not give it enough credit before but I do now. You can’t just throw those three words in the air like that, they mean something, they mean everything. When two people love each other, they become one. What’s theirs is yours; his pain is your pain and her hurt is your hurt; their truth is your truth and their life is your life. It is sad how love and having a relationship with somebody are two different things now. You think you love someone so you jump into a relationship and you guys are so perfect together, you know, everything fits until one day when it doesn’t. And the truth is that it is bound to happen and it really isn’t anybody’s fault. People change all the time if you love them for something as temporary as their looks or the way they look at life- it will change. People would try to fit in, they will lose themselves and then find themselves again. And that’s okay too. The truth is, nobody knows who they are until life plays them and they realise things and that happens very often, life throws something at you and you feel something as a reaction to it. Your experiences shape you, and that’s completely normal. What is important is that you keep moving forward.
People outgrow things, people outgrow people its a truth of life. One day you think you are in love with somebody and then the next day, they don’t feel the same anymore. What do you do then? Humans are constantly evolving, we respond to stimuli, we change as we grow. It’s not even their fault. You feel what you feel, you can’t force yourself to be someone you are not. Love or not, when you are with somebody for some time- you start caring for them and you don’t want to be the person to hurt them, sometimes you drag things on- because you aren’t really sure of what you want either. I think the big question here is how do you save relationships? How do you make a failed marriage work, what went wrong? How do you make someone fall in love with you and then stay in love with you? Do you mould yourself into somebody you are not just so that they would stick around?
There are two things to this.
As for a relationship, well that is a practical thing so I feel there is a logical solution to it. You make things work, you make compromises, you try to fit in- you make it about you- it is your commitment and you have to stick to it. You have to work through it. I am trying to draw a parallel here, I was thinking about marriages- loved or arranged ones.
In the age of tinder and bumble being our go to’s, going for an arranged marriage might sound a bit old school to many. Interestingly, this concept has been a part of our culture since so long and still holds great importance in our society. Many people go for an arranged marriage out of choice and going by the statistics of a few studies, the global divorce rate of arranged marriage is quite low. So, what makes this traditional system success in today’s society?
According to me, it entails basic human behaviour. In an arranged marriage, you barely know your partner and take your own time to understand your spouse better. Basically, minimum expectations, open to adjustments, acceptance, checking the social compatibility well before tying the knot (In India, if you tell me you are just marrying your partner, you need to stop kidding yourself), matching the social status, the belief that “ my parents know what’s best for me” et cetera et cetera.
However, one very big thing that is common whether you are going for an arranged marriage or a love marriage is that it all boils down to you taking a LEAP OF FAITH.
In older times, divorce was not an option. Now that you are married to somebody, you stick to them- through thick and thin, for better or for worse- that is your person for life and when you hold a belief like that, you make it work. And maybe somewhere along the way, you find your peace in them- it is like a partnership, you know. Simple and straight forward.
Our generation is more aware and we like to believe in our individuality, we want what’s best for us. We want someone that will automatically fit into our lives, without us having to make any adjustments. I think its a great great thing- you get this life once- you live it for yourself. You are independent and strong and brilliant all by yourself- you don’t “need” another person, you know and that is empowering. I think that’s why so many of us want to wait till we are older in our late 20s to get married because by that time we feel we might have our life a little figured out- what we want and what we don’t- how do we wish to live this life – and we find somebody that sits right into our 5-year plan.
Now you can have all these pretty requisites when you decide to get into a relationship, you can have your cute little checkboxes and find somebody that get all the ticks but that is not how it is with love. And then it hits me. Marriage isn’t really about what it is supposed to be- we have turned it into an institution- something we don’t want to do for ourselves but the society; Loving somebody and marrying them are not really the same anymore. And that is the saddest part. I personally feel that marriage is a beautiful, beautiful thing, you choose to spend the rest of your life with someone, a declaration of love and togetherness- a celebration! Its a commitment, sure but it is pretty straight forward and simple.
Which brings me to the second part- love. I personally don’t think loving someone and being in a relationship is the same thing. In an ideal world, it would be, but here it isn’t.
I will let you in on a big secret. If you feel that you can actually think it through and then fall in love with somebody- darling you gotta stop kidding yourself. If you think you can ever complete the sentence- “ I am in love with this person because …” That is not how love works. Love is a wild thing you know, it does not/cannot make sense. There is no logical explanation for it, emotions are still simple you know, but love is not an emotion. it is our very existence.
It will hit you when you least expect it. You can’t find it, it finds you. And there is no stopping it because it is not your doing.
I think it rarely is about the other person- where they have been or what they have done, it is so crazy. Life before love is not life at all. I think true love doesn’t change you, it just helps you find yourself.
I believe in the soul and the human spirit and I feel pairs are made in heaven. If you are lucky, you will find yours in this lifetime. Not necessarily will they fit into your life or come at the best time but when they do, everything will stop and nothing else will make sense. Love is madness, insanity- the minute you think you can attach sense to it, know you are doing it wrong. It is the warmth and peace and the turbulence. It will take all of your heart and you will be happy to give it up. Give it all up in the name of love.
Nothing else will matter once you have felt it, felt this love. You don’t know about happy or sad, it is just, this is the only way to live.
You know they tell you to find a career and a job that are passionate about, something you love doing because you’d be doing it for the better part of your life. When I think of what I wish to do when I get older, what I really wish from my career and let us talk big- what I want from my life is that I want to leave a mark- like I did something, I was here and I made this world a better place.
I want to feel as if I have become the person I was always meant to be like I have found my purpose. I have found my reason- I don’t want to be afraid of anything. The feeling of being invincible and strong and happy, almost the same as I feel when I am with my love. Well, not the same, nothing compares- but close to it. If anything can ever wake me up as love did, I think I would have done something right.
What do you take from this world when you die? Stories and love. Stories keep the world revolving and love keeps you going, it how people remember you even when you pass over. I am really grateful that love found me, and somewhere while walking along these grey lines, I feel like I have found the meaning of life itself.
Always love.
Nepenthe 